In many consultations I’ve conducted, I have
noticed that the problems people have brought to me and sought guidance for are
usually related to their relationship and financial problems. Today I will talk
about a relationship problem. Relationship problems are varied and happen
between a couple, among family members, among people in the work place, and/or
neighbors.
While listening to people’s stories, I find they
often have a communication problem. If they can solve the communication
problem, they will be able to solve half of their problems. However, many
people do not know how to properly communicate with other people.
First I listen and then give the following suggestions
to have good communication:
1)
Believe in yourself and that you are a
wonderful person because you are a child of God. Also believe in the person
with whom you need to speak and also believe he or she is also a child of God
and a good person.
2)
Get more information about the person with
whom you have a problem. You have to know the person well to better communicate
with him or her.
3)
Use a better choice of words. Speak clearly
and articulately.
4)
Ask yourself about your problems with “why”
and find the real root cause of the problem.
The first suggestion is the basic Seicho-No-Ie (SNI) teaching
and I have explained this on many occasions. I will not explain it thoroughly
this time, but still I need to emphasize that you have to know that you are a
child of God just as you are and this fact never changes. You have to recognize
this not only intellectually but also in your heart. It means your actions need
to follow your belief.
When you realize that you are a child of God, your
acts should always be as acts of a child of God. When you reflect on your
actions and do not think that they are not truly the actions of a child of God,
it means you have not truly and totally convinced yourself that you are a child
of God. You need to practice more deeds of love because they are basic practices.
If you want to play tennis well, you cannot ignore
the basic practices such as practicing with a racket, running to increase your
strength, muscle-building training, and so on. Without these basic practices
you cannot improve your skills to play tennis well.
In the same manner you cannot solve your problems
without basic practices to realize that you are a child of God. In this case
you need to practice Shinsokan Meditation, reading the Holy Sutras/Songs of Praise and SNI books, and practice deeds of love.
The second suggestion is to know other people
more. In the Bible it is said, “How much better to get wisdom than gold!”
(Proverbs 16:16) Wisdom and knowledge are the important powers to solve your
problems. I sometimes watch the TV program “Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan.”
Cesar who is a dog trainer receives many requests to solve dog owner’s serious
problems. Amazingly, he solves various kinds of problems so effortlessly. One of
the reasons why he can so easily solve the problem is, I think, that his
knowledge and observation of dogs are incredibly great and accurate. He also loves dogs and has
patience with dogs.
I can see that dog owners who have problems with
their dogs often try to understand their dogs through a human perspective. We
see our lives through the human’s perceptions. However, when we think of other
living beings, we have to think of them through their perceptions. When
Japanese think of themselves, it is okay to think as Japanese. However, when
they try to communicate with people in another country, they have to think of
people’s perception in a different country. We have to remind ourselves of this
fact. It is an ordinary and common idea but we often forget it. The nature of
birds is to fly, fish swim and dogs walk. For example in the case of a dog, the
average time to walk a dog is at least 45 minutes a day and if you don’t do
this, a dog will become frustrated according to Cesar. If all the dog owners
know this fact and do walk the dog more than 45 minutes every day, their problems
with a dog might decrease dramatically.
In case you have a problem with your partner, you
should know your partner better and act accordingly, then your problem will be
solved much easier. If you have a partner, think about how much you know him or
her. You should create questions, review them, and find out how much you know
about your partner.
Next, ask the same questions to your partner and
compare the answers to find out your compatibility with your partner. You can
create your own questions and do it with your family members (parent, child and/or
sibling), a neighbor, superior, co-worker, subordinate, etc.
For example, use the following questions (or you
can make your own list of questions) and find out how much you know about your
spouse or partner.
-
What is your partner’s favorite color?
-
What is your partner’s favorite flower?
-
What are your partner’s parents’ and
grandparents’ names?
-
What is your partner’s favorite movie?
-
Who is your partner’s favorite movie star?
-
Whom does your partner respect most? Give two
names.
-
What is your partner’s shoe size?
-
Who is your partner’s mentor?
-
Name the favorite restaurant of your
partner? Where is it?
-
What is your partner’s profession?
-
Describe briefly what he/she does when
he/she is at work?
-
How many hours does he/she work in a day?
-
If your partner is a full-time househusband
or housewife, how many hours does he/she work a day?
-
What does he/she eat for lunch mostly?
-
How many times do you send a gift to your
spouse during a year?
-
What is the best time to talk with your
partner during the day?
-
What kind of topics is your partner most
uninterested in? And why?
-
What is your partner’s favorite book?
-
What does he/she currently read?
-
How many times a day do you call (not text) your
partner? If you think you call him/her less than once a day, how many times do
you call him/her during a week?
-
How many times does your partner call you
during a day? If you think he/she calls you less than once a day, how many
times does he/she call you during a week?
There are many questions you can create and ask,
but the important thing is to compare your answers and your partner’s answers to
determine how much your answers and your partner’s answers match because if
these answers are often in discrepancy, it is proof that you do not know your partner
well.
I will share my personal experience. I believed that
for some years my wife loved bouquets of roses, but one day she asked me why I
bought a bouquet of roses every month for her. I told her because the rose was
her favorite flower. Then, she said “no” and I found out that her favorite
flower was tulips.
This is another example. For more than 6 or 7
years I bought a purse, clothes, or accessories for my wife on occasions such
as our anniversary, my wife’s birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas. One
winter, I bought a nice, rather expensive winter coat for her right after we
moved back to Japan from Hawaii. She had one but needed another one. A couple
of weeks later I found out that she gave it to her sister without wearing it even
once. I was upset with her, but instead I should have been angry at myself because
I did not know what she wanted. It sometimes happens that what you think is not
what your partner thinks. The more you know your partner, the better
communication you can have. This can apply not only to your partner but also to
anyone with whom you have a relationship problem.
The third thing is also important in order to have
better communication with others. The words you choose and how you reply makes
your partner angry or happy, concerned or at ease. We often use our cellphone.
Sometimes we need to answer during a meeting or an important conversation. If
my family member calls while I am in a meeting, I sometimes answer it. But it
is important that you should know how to reply to him/her. In this situation
you may say, “I am in an important meeting right now and cannot talk with you
now.” If you say this, usually your tone of voice is rigid and serious because
you cannot talk or should not talk but are actually talking.
I understand and it is okay to say this. But your
wife, son or daughter may feel disappointed. He or she maybe wanted to let you
know his or her great news. To avoid this you should say in the beginning, “Hi
I’m glad you called, but I am in an important meeting right now. So, let us
talk later. Thank you for calling.” The meaning of the conversation is the
same, but to convey your feeling to the person on the other side of the line is
quite different and acceptable because of this language.
Some people have their own style of speaking. When
I worked part-time job for a fisherman, his way of talking was like very
different than mine. When it was time for breakfast, he yelled at me saying,
“BREAKFAST! EeeeAT!” In the beginning I didn’t know what his problem was, but later
his wife said, “Don’t worry, he always speaks like that.” He worked on the
ocean, so he had to scream. Thinking about his background it is understandable.
However, majority of us are not fishermen. Rev. Masaharu Taniguchi suggested that
we use only good, polite words in our conversation:
It is hopeless for us to shout at our sons and daughters,
claiming that we wish to help them or that we do so with a loving concern. Even
if a loving concern should exist, it is a concern that wears the mask of a demon.
Even love has no power other than to inspire fear so long as it wears a demon’s
mask. Take off your demon’s mask. And bring out your real face of love. The
person you are trying to help will become most friendly, sense your love, and
willingly change for the better. (Truth of Life Vol. 7, pages 263-264)
Some people say that constructive criticism is
necessary. To ignore an evil action or attitude which is not fitting for a
child of God is not good; however, it doesn’t mean that you can describe how
bad the other person’s action is. When answering a phone, you will be able to
have good conversation if you say, “I’m glad you called” or “I’m happy to hear
your voice” before engaging in a real conversation. It is important to choose the
right, proper words for the conversation. Rev. Taniguchi wrote:
To think that you can bring about improvements in others if
you keep complaining, keep yelling to express your anger, and keep pointing out
their shortcomings is a superstition similar to that of expecting harmony to be
produced from disharmony... it is hardly possible for disharmony to give birth to harmony. If you should
wish to make those whom you meet virtuous, you have to first of all make your
own mind harmonious. (Truth of Life Vol. 7, page 264)
In other words, Rev. Taniguchi said that if your
mind is not in harmony, your words will only criticize others and cannot make
others or a situation improve but will make it worse. So, if you think your
criticism is constructive and will make the situation or other’s better, you
have to first practice Shinsokan meditation and say “thank you very much, John” or “I love
you, John” over a hundred times and say what you think. Then, the situation may improve. However, to just describe what others did does not help at all. You
also have to first say 2 or 3 good things about that person and then say one
criticism.
Rev. Taniguchi clearly said that it is unreal to
expect harmony be produced from disharmony. Rev. Masanobu Taniguchi also wrote
the same thing in the Song In Praise Of
Nature:
Awaken from the delusion
that peace is born from conflict.
Be rid of the delusion
that good is born of evil. (p. 22)
We cannot produce harmony with criticism. After
you practice Shinsokan meditation and recite that the person is a child of God and call
his or her name and say “I love you” many times, you may face the person and
praise him or her 2 or 3 times and give your suggestion to improve that person
or situation. I wish all of the Seicho-No-Ie New York members to do this in
their daily practice.
However, if it is a constructive criticism instead
of a suggestion, you only make the situation or that person worse because you
recognize his/her fault. Criticism is a criticism no matter how much it is
constructive or destructive. Your motive may be good and intended to make the
person better, but the more you say, the worse the situation becomes.
In particular, it becomes worse when you give even
suggestions (not criticism) right after you recognize his or her fault because
you have recognized his or her fault in your mind. In this case it is better to not say
anything. If you really want to speak to this person, first do the prior suggestions which I gave and then speak to him or her a week later. It is because if you can wait a week,
your emotions affected by the situation will tone down due to the passing of 7
days.
One more thing you should consider is to speak
articulately. Rev. Taniguchi suggested:
The first thing needed
in daily conversation is clarity. There are people who pronounce their words so
indistinctly that you can hardly make out half of what they have mumbled, and
people like this fail to convey even half of their ability. (For Young
People, p. 15)
The fourth important thing is to ask yourself
about your problems, ask “why” and find the real root cause of the problem. I
learned this while I was working as the internal auditor to receive the
certificate of ISO14001 which is an environmental managing system to improve
the environmental condition of the workplace.
When we identify a way to improve the environment
of SNI United States Missionary Headquarters, we do the Plan-Check-Do-Review-Improve
cycle. When we plan to improve something, we think of a solution, check it, apply
it, and review it. Then, we will find out if the solution to improve the
situation. If I say the reason why it did not work is because "no one knew a
particular regulation," then, I have to ask myself "why no one knew the
regulation." It may be because it is new for us and no one is familiar with
this. Then, what shall we do to solve it? I should study about the law, but I
am not an expert on the law and also legal terms are different than regular
English. Then, we need a specialist, but we cannot hire a new person for this.
Why can’t we hire a new person and if we cannot do this, what is our
alternative? We ask many times until we find the real root cause. If we find
the real root cause, we will often be able to find the solution because there
is no problem without a solution. However, we have to know that the solution does
not come with the problem at the same time. If it comes at the same time, the
problem is no longer a problem. We have to make an effort to find the root
cause because in doing this we can find the essence of the problem.
I did not go into much detail about the last suggestion, but you can
find the root cause when you ask yourself why many times. The
relationship problem will be solved if you apply these 4 suggestions. Thank you very much.
